In Awe.

Wow, where to begin . . .

Eden was born on Dec. 1st, but here we are almost 6 weeks later, & I'm finally stealing a moment to blog about it. Thanks to my dear friend, Sarah, for encouraging me to do so. I know these memories will elude me too quickly, & this little angel is changing on a daily basis.

Week 1, I spent staring at her & wondering when her real parents would be coming to get her. By Week 2, I was still staring at her & getting glossy-eyed realizing she was really here to stay. She had already stolen my heart & was developing in leaps & bounds. She exceeded weight gains to mine & the pediatrician's delight. She was also only waking for 1-2 feedings per night. By the 3rd week, we saw frequent smiles & by Week 4, they were obviously intentional smiles when we locked eyes & she looked straight into my soul!

So petite & perfect in stature, I could watch her day & night. So many of her features remind me of my husband. The dark hair and eyes are his. The narrowly-there bridge of the nose & prominent cheek bones belonging to him as well. Precisely 2 little, curved lines frame the bottom lid on each of her eyes, mirroring the shape of his. A nice full set of lips that we all share, paired with the most precious smiles I've ever had the pleasure of enjoying. Everything down to her legs & little flat feet remind me of my husband. I guess she'll just have to get her sweetness from me.

When we lock eyes, she stares as only a pure, new soul can. She knows no limits or boundaries to staring intently into another's eyes. We exchange expressions & surely a million thoughts and feelings in those moments. She'll cry, she'll smile, she'll grunt & moan and I think of every bit of it as a sweet little achievement in her young life & relish in the fact that I get to share it with her.

I could boast for days about this little miracle & I'm happy to say that keeping my promise to live in the moment & thank God for her daily is the easiest promise to keep. She is a Blessing that is far beyond my ability to articulate. So, for now, this meager post will start my attempt at documenting this amazing gift, & I'll try to determine how I can explain this experience more eloquently and thoroughly to truly give it justice.

In the meantime, I'll continue snuggling her on my shoulder and nuzzling up to the nape of her neck, smelling her intoxicating scent and soaking in every precious moment.

Are you nervous?

This seems to be the "appropriate" question for an expecting woman of 39 weeks. At least, that's the most frequently asked question.

The more I think about it, it's just an ugly thing to ask. What is one to say? Nah, labor is going to be a breeze & I've got this motherhood thing figured out! ......HA! ....... Or, do you contemplate all of the many facets of childbirth and motherhood that are about to be thrust upon you and start to panic, listing the infinitive list of things one is nervous about. That sure sounds like a great idea!

Frankly, I'm not letting it ruffle my feathers. Quite honestly, I'm still living in ignorant bliss and have absolutely no idea what is about to come at me! I've read and watched videos and read and went to classes and read some more in preparation for what this new life may hold. 

All I'm really sure of is labor is going to be hell, but it will all be over in less than 48 hours. Surely, I can do anything for 48 hours! We're delivering at 1 of the top 10 hospitals in the nation, so I'm confident I'll be under great care and supervision. Most important of all, I have faith that God has a plan, and that is for me to mother this child, so a lifetime lies ahead of us after the initial task of getting baby girl here.

After that, well it's anybody's guess! I will surely doubt myself more often than not, and continue pumping myself full of as much information as possible regarding proper care of our newborn.

Then, somewhere there in the middle and hopefully at the beginning and for a worthwhile portion of each day, I'll realize that I'm only human, and God has Blessed me with this opportunity because He knows I can handle it. That's when I'll let all of the anxiety drift right out the window, and I'll sit back, relax and simply be in awe of the little person we've created.

I hope more than anything, that my husband and I will relish in every little smile, every giggle and celebrate every milestone . . . . not getting caught up in the stress of the inconsolable crying, the financial strains on our budget, or the sleep deprivation that will surely ensue. I hope we can look past those, in the moment occurrences, to cherish this beautiful gift and not allow one day to pass us without realizing how truly Blessed we are......

So, am I nervous? Hell yeah! Is it going to stop me? Not a chance! I'm definitely not going to lose sleep over it. I have plenty of sleepless nights in my future . . .  & I can't wait!!

Embarking on a new BOOK!

Not just a new chapter, but I feel like we're about to open an entirely new book!

We're exactly 32 weeks along, and this little cutie pie is measuring in at 4.2 pounds & measuring and looking perfect in every single way.

Let the joy, anxiety, nerves and excitement commence!!

New Ideas = A New You

I've slowly come to understand how much I've changed since leaving the small, rural area I used to call home. Since venturing out into the big world & continuing my education, I'm constantly confronted by new ways of thinking, new ideas and different sets of beliefs.

I see this as a great Blessing.

I am also disheartened.

Disheartened....... yes, partly because it is a big, scary world, and you realize how crazy it is when you delve into a metropolis........... However, more disheartened because it forces me to confront the narrow thinking often evident in the environment I was raised in.

I saw that quaint community and the warm people who filled it as something nostalgic. A place and time that moved slower than the rest of the world; however, we were all good-hearted, hard-working people. It's not that that has changed per say, but my view on the limited ideas of people confined to such a secluded space definitely has changed.

It saddens me.

I loved that area, but I'm also now more aware of the prejudices that existed, a fear of outsiders, fear of change, and the uninformed thinking of the unknown. I now realize how limiting it is not to have others challenge your ways of thinking and cause you to think outside the box.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know I still love my original home, my childhood and the amazing people who shaped me into who I am today.  . . . and while I still know plenty of great people there, I also know of statistically more than I'm comfortable with, having extreme, unhealthy perspectives of life, in my opinion.

Of course, who am I to judge another, but on one hand, that's why I'm disheartened, because a large percentage of "them" so unfairly judge others. However, if they never get out of their comfort zone or never have their beliefs challenged, then this shall be another vicious cycle.

I just wish I didn't feel like my home was "home" to that cycle.

Snow, bring it!

Gearing up properly for a Chi-town winter! Can't wait for these to arrive. . .

What I learned in 2012 . . .

1. The Blessing of having my life partner is greater than anything I will ever be able to express.

2. We have no control over other's actions, & our day-to-day protection is only by God's grace.

3. I'm as liberal as I am conservative, and that does not necessarily relate to politics.

4. One of the greatest gifts someone can get is exposure to the outside world.

5. I must constantly push myself to be a better person, because it's so easy to revert to bad habits.

6. There is no greater peace than knowing family is only a call away.

7. My body is starting to age. I am now on the downhill slope & must work harder to minimize the effects.

8. I am comfortable with aging, and will not allow myself to obsess over it, nor will I go to drastic measures to reverse the signs.

9. My life feels complete, until I think about what it will be like to be a mom.

10. As life changes, so do our friendships, and not everyone feels they are a priority.

Does a joint' ensure you remain joint?

There are so many accounts we have open at any one time, and it makes me wonder, is it better to have joint accounts with your spouse, or better to treat it like the principles of church and state. I mean, we are from Venus and they're from Mars.

So, do joint accounts save marriages?

It's been said, Facebook is currently cited in 50% of divorce cases. It's no wonder, when you think about how many people one can come into contact with on a daily basis (i.e. all of the old flames you never thought you'd see again.) Mix that with a vulnerable person bogged down by the monotony of their household, yearning for a little attention & you've got a danger zone!!

We'd all love to think we can play around with temptation & remain in control. However, everybody knows the old saying, you play with fire, you're going to get burnt. . .

So is setting up a joint account the solution? When your husband wants to spout off a status update about the football game, or you want to brag about the yummy dessert you whipped up, your friends & family can just take guesses as to who is doing this posting? Private messages are essentially between you, recipient and spouse. Who knows, it may come off as overprotective, overbearing, or even elude to a jealous nature. . . but who are we to judge? In the end, I have no problem being overprotective with my family and anything that tries to come between us. Also, we live in the most transparent age to date, and opportunity is all to opportune!

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I wonder how this relates to other accounts as well, such as our checking accounts. Many couples have their paychecks disbursed into a joint account, which they "jointly" use to pay bills and for daily expenses. While others find it reasonable to keep those accounts separate, simply agree whose paying what bills, and shuffle money together when necessary. Does one feel their spouse's earnings are inaccessible? Does a stay-at-home mom feel inferior when she has to ask for grocery money? If a husband is coming home with a new i-phone & his wife is counting pennies till the end of the month, somethings gotta give. Right? However, what if he saved up for that i-phone, while she bought Starbucks & cigarettes each day . . . . maybe this is a fair method.

Even though I'm still a nuptial newbie, I feel like eliminating potential questions up front can save countless amounts of stress, resentment and emotional roLLer-coASTers. When you know up front that your wife spent $300 at Target and that female friend from high school thought twice before "poking" you, you cut down on a lot of questions. You're not left wondering if your partner has your best interest at heart, or if you're on the same page. 

This came to mind because my husband and I have separate FB accounts. I don't foresee any issues, but I thought, hmm, maybe it would be cute and more socially acceptable if we had a joint account. As is, we know each other's passwords and neither feels threatened by any aspect of it. There again, we keep separate checking accounts, but we have online access to each others' and the authority to withdraw, transfer, deposit as we see fit. He can send more deposits my way anytime!

I know everybody has to find a way that works for them, but I wonder how many desire to live jointly, but for risk of being thought jealous or controlling, suffice with living their two separate lives side by side.

To each his own, but peace-of-mind is priceless.